Terms in which to think of reality
a. “reality is a question
of realizing how real
the world is already.”
Terms in which to think of myself
For my mind to be clear
as a cloudless sky
as a fresh sheet of matte photopaper
a gleaming newly frozen puddle
The impossibility of the notion
as I gaze at the textured ceiling
as jazz swims through the dim dense light
penetrating my brain
sporadic rythmic beats
flung from bass guitar
sliced through my drum set cymbal
broken by trumpet
coated by combination
Yesternow. . .
My vision swims
from thick incense cloud
and lack of sleep and
lack of food
I am a swamp
a happy
love drunk
swamp
unawares. . .
I wan’t you to know me
to see my weaknesses
to be exposed
to jump into the future
and stop hiding
I want to purge
to have no shame
to have only shame
to quell in sadness with you.
rainy crescendos
casual doorways
and jazz
always jazz
and my strange proclivities
I’ll see your eyes again soon. . .
I hope you know I will support you in whatever path you choose to take. I wouldn’t dream of being so selfish as to keep you from it, just to have you close. To keep you, out of fear. That’s how I had justified it. Now here I am, my breath caught in my throat. Worrying about the future. I think I’m trying to say, I love you more than anything, please don’t go. Any song I could hear pales in comparison to what we have. Who’s going to save me from myself if you’re gone? You’re sort of like my concrete filler for all my fault lines and tremors. Thinking of it makes me nauseous. How did everything become so twisted? Nothings turning out the way it was supposed to. I know, the epitome of cliche. There is no “supposed to”. Only supposedly, and then not. It was all going to work out perfectly. And how exactly were we going to do it? Who did I think I was fooling? Not even myself I see now. This is going to take some work. I’m learning it’s all about little steps. I will always be there every step of the way with you. As much as I can. I’ll be there at the end of the end of the day. Always. Now here I still am, stubbornly, refusing to let you go.
